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Learning how to Define Myself

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Learning how to Define Myself

Nicole Emery

A tough lesson that has come up for me regarding men is learning how to define myself.  Without going into too many details (otherwise this post would be too long) this has been an on going struggle for me - at work, romantically, and social events.  Many times I've lost myself into the relationship.  Or, I become closed off.  Unwilling to open for anything.  I can't seem to find the middle ground where the magic happens.  It ends up being all or nothing.   

For example: Being an engineer.  In the US it is hard to say you are an engineer (let alone a psychic too) to men.  Many times the word engineer evokes certain projections from others that you must be a certain way.  The experiences I've had when my profession is mentioned to a man is for him to start challenging my intellect in negative way.  As if I couldn't possibly be that smart or capable.  Or, the flip side happens - they assume I'm too smart and want nothing to do with me without even giving me a chance to demonstrate otherwise.  It makes for a lonely space to work in when you can't seem to be accepted as is.  (By the way, these are my personal experiences and no one else's - nor does it speak to the whole.)

The only time I've had success in this struggle is when it comes to a true friendship. There have been a handful of guys in my life that are still extremely close friends. Always maintaining my boundaries, but still open to the connection. They see me as I am, and accept what they see - a loyal friend with integrity that cares. These guys get to see the truly sensitive side of me. Yet they also bring out the best in my intellect and playfulness too. A mutual respect. Interestingly, these guys also have very good marriages with wives that accept our friendship.

For years I've let these type of things define who I am.  Assuming if men can't accept me as is, then there must be something wrong with me.  Perpetuating my loneliness and isolation further.  Many years have been spent trying to understand why this is.  The end result is a definition that collides with my inner knowing about all aspects of me - beauty, intelligence, work options, relationships, etc.  Somehow the outside world was able to give final say on who I am.  The only conclusion for this result is I've handed the ownership of my personal storytelling paint brush over to others to use on my life canvas. 

Going forward is a new thought - I own my story telling paint brush, and I'm the only one allowed to paint on my life's canvas. 

Question: How will I paint my life?
Answer: With self acceptance and the willingness to paint boldly.  It is the only way I know how to be.

How will you paint your life?