For the last few weeks I've been struggling with facing the truth about a few things. Today at work I could no longer hide from the truth - I'm absolutely miserable here in the Netherlands.
With a shaky voice I'm admitting the truth. Nothing since arriving in the Netherlands has felt right. Everything from the moment my plane landed in Schiphol airport to the present moment has been one challenge after another. It is now to the point where I am questioning whether staying is the right thing for me or not.
Photo from: The Truth Movement
A week ago Friday I hit rock bottom. It started out like any other typical Friday night - meeting friends for dinner, walking around town, meeting up with more friends for some fun - nothing unusual. Where it started to get strange was the combination of usual friends mixed with new friends and alcohol. That night was a night from hell - mixed with many different kinds of emotions, a seriously bruised pride, bad choices compounding into more bad choices, my safety was compromised, and an environment that left me with a bad stomachache. I cried for many hours in a state of complete loneliness. What the hell am I doing here?
Luckily I had a friend I could confide the details of the evening to here locally. She insisted we go to Den Haag for a good night out with new people. It did the trick for getting me out of the painful state I was in. The weekend ended with a bit more balance than it began, but far from calm. The new week began with an attitude to mend my heart on a lot of levels - speaking up about what needs to be changed.
There was a few different meetings with my work bosses that needed to know I wasn't happy with the current scenario. It felt good to put my cards on the table. Then it came time to clear the air with a guy that caused a lot of the bad choices on Friday. It wasn't an easy conversation. Again, it felt good to face it head on. Distancing myself from the circle of friends that I thought had my back has also proven to be a good choice too. Letting them go isn't making me any lonelier than I already feel. It simply gives me room to let new friends into my life that are far more in line with my life values.
What has gotten better is my clarity - exactly how homesick I truly am. The people in my life are not the only ones I miss - work ethics, way of working, friends that have your back, a real American hug, Thanksgiving dinner, my little coffee shops to journal or read (especially Poulsbohemain), being part of friends announcements - weddings, engagements, babies, life celebrations, driving to clear my mind, the love all my family and friends, the laughter, the shoulders to cry on when things get tough, art supply stores at a discount, the Albuquerque Book Club (so miss your ladies!!!!), my sister's cherry pie, Mom's potato salad, Dad's denial that he didn't pick Buddy Lee, seeing my nephew and nieces at Halloween, the Kia Cigar Lounge, the WH (Winnie & Harry) Leadership team reports from the road, a Mint Condition from Caribou coffee, the Tuesday Night Possibility Posse, my sewing machine, and so much more. I'm homesick for all of it. As things haven't worked out all here the intense pain of homesickness kicks in.
The job overall hasn't gotten any better even after my discussions. The homesickness hasn't gotten any easier either. It all leaves in me at a crossroads. Will I stay or go? What is next? I hope to have that answer soon.
I've spoken my truth. That is the first step.