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The Decision

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The Decision

Nicole Emery

My choice has been made.  I decided to own my destiny and the outcome - I'm relocating back to the US at the end of March.  My resignation went in last week (4 weeks is required), the plane ticket was purchased, and my belongings are slowly being shipped back.  This was by no means an easy decision for me.

What led up to this choice were a lot of factors.  The biggest one was how unhappy I was.  At first my reasoning for holding on was to see if things would get better.  When they didn't the reasoning shifted to waiting for one opportunity to surface.  Then one night a friend said the statement out loud back to me, "So, let me get this straight... the only reason you are sticking around is to wait for the other opportunity?  You could be waiting for a long time."  In that moment it clicked for me.  What if this opportunity never comes through?  Then I've waited in a state of complete misery for nothing.  Only to be more miserable.  Why not start being happy now?

The choice was made: Be happy.  Take the necessary actions to be happy.  What could I start doing to be happy?  The answer was to move back to the US.  Being around people that know and love me as I am makes a huge difference in my overall well being.  It reconnects me to the very essence of who I am.  Taking the actions needed are how life can turn itself around.  Cut the losses.

There was a struggle even after the decision.  Fear took over for a bit.  Crazy thoughts went through my head.  Things like: "Your a failure.  How many people will I hear say 'I told you so'? You couldn't hack it.  When are you going to stop chasing rainbows?  When will you learn?  Moving to all these places is not very grown up.  You are destroying your career.  What will everyone think of you?  All the people that were jealous will be happy I didn't succeed.  Everyone will tell me how they can do it better.  Or, worse, tell me how to do it better.  I'm ashamed that I gave up everything only to end up empty handed - no home, no job, no local friends, etc....." on and on the thoughts go.

Those thoughts are very paralyzing.  With choice comes grieving and sadness sometimes.  That weekend I laid in bed most of Friday night and Saturday day feeling depressed.  Sad that life didn't work out the way I had planned.  At some point I started to negotiate with myself.  If I could get one box in the mail, then the rest would be easy.  It was truly an internal strength that got me out of bed at 7pm on Saturday night to take one box to the local post.  That was all it took to get things moving.  A second box made it in the mail that night and the flight home was purchased.  Monday the resignation went in.  The actions are getting easier.

I still struggle with the sadness of things not working out here.  Learning how to manage it (letting it out combined with going forward actions) is what the next few weeks are about.  I can't let it stop me from moving on; which is what was happening to me that weekend.  The sadness and grieving of a dream will be part of me until the gifts and blessings can be found in hardships.  For now I keep reminding myself I'm choosing to be happy not miserable.

For now I'll give myself a big pat on the back for choosing my happiness.  It is a one day at a time process.