Funny how when you least expect it things sort of click together. Combinations never thought of before suddenly fit together perfectly. For no particular reason other than it was time to how they to fit together.
Today's thought cloud moment was about understanding how patterns around boyfriends and career/job choices were connected. Even when the boyfriends are no longer in the picture the habits still are. Never did it occur to me how intertwined the Souljob and Soulmate truly are. As the mystery of what has held me back from both is getting unraveled the bigger picture of what is to come is starting to take shape.
Since about 2001 a habit started to form around my desire to move and be with the man I loved. In order for that to happen my mindset had to shift from having roots in the ground to being ready to leave in a moments notice. Problem with that kind of mindset you can feel like a fresh cut flower in a vase - the water alone isn't going to sustain you for the rest of your life. You will eventually wilt without the soil and roots to nourish you.
The waiting with baited breath for him to honor his promises to me, or have the courtesy to let me go, wrecked havoc on my desire to settle down somewhere with someone. Instead what finally happened was I started to move to new places on my own, but with the intention that he would honor those promises. He never did. I ended the relationship after five years of waiting. Here it is six years later and the mindset of needing to be ready at a moments notice for a move is still plaguing me. This has caused me to never truly think about what I've desired in a Souljob. All the cross country moves have prevented me from even meeting guys because of thoughts about moving again soon come up. Not a pretty habit to have.
Amazing how things are intertwined and we don't even know it. At least now I've got something to work with and heal.